Sometimes I wake up,
Sometimes I don’t.

I blame myself,
Not being strong.

I struggle,
To find me.

But in the Lord,
I found faith.

This might not apply to all. The pursuit of meaning is subjective but for some reason, I thought it was objective growing up. Or rather, many of us did. I don’t know.

It goes like this. Study hard and get into university. Graduate with good grades. Get a good job that pays well. Buy a house and car. Marry someone you like. Have kids and wait for retirement.

For many of us, that seems like the ideal state of affairs of how we should live our lives. To some extent, I did find some meaning in pursuing some of these objectives in life.

In this article, I will list 3 reasons why I felt disillusioned with finding meaning in these things and 3 things that I did to face them.

Reason #1: Working in your dream job is complicated

I am going, to be honest. I am lucky enough to work in my dream job and place. I studied economics and became an economist in the best place possible – the central bank.

It was my dream to work there since my university days. But things just didn’t work out. I was out of there in 3 years, burned out and disillusioned with life.

First off, I felt like just a small cog in the whole machine. And that was the reality in the working world. Everyone is just a small cog in this giant machine of corporate.

My learning plateaued after just one year there and I was just doing many administrations work from that point on. This is not to say that the central bank was bad. Other places I worked in also had the same problems.

Working in a job that I liked and dreamed raised my expectations too far and that in itself became a problem. Realising that I might not be able to fulfil those expectations made me spiral into anxiety and depression which until today I struggle with.

Reason #2: Focusing too much on educational attainment and merits

Do you know what I regretted? Spending so much time studying and working on assignments in school and university.

I forgot opportunities to interact with other people from other countries in America when I was there. I had the mindset that my parents spent a fortune to send me there to do well and work there.

I aimed for the 4.0s in my first 2 years in university but realized that there is always a mountain that is higher or a wider sea. I used to think that it’s worit wast to go for a 4.0 rather than settle for a 3.7 or 3.6.

How wrong was I? It didn’t matter. I regretted wasting all that time chasing those things. I wanted to do more things and meet more people.

When I came out to the working world, no one cared how well I did in my linear optimization classes.

Reason #3: There are just … so many things that we can do

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom” by Soren Kierkegaard. And how true is this? In this big wide world, there are just so many things we can do, so many choices we can make.

We want it all. I want it all too. Hence, there’s just so much that we want to do that we get overwhelmed. If we don’t do it all, we might as well not do it.

That’s where I struggled with finding meaning in life. Which one is the one that will give me that? Those were my thoughts all the while.  

The more I thought about it, the more I got lost. After a while, I was telling myself, what is the point of all these choices? It made me lost.

Step #1: Rationalise my expectations

This might seem lame but this was the thing I did that helped me a lot. Every time my expectations went through the roof, I lose my sense of purpose when things don’t go my way.

I effectively let go of control of the outcome. I realise my ego was leading me down the path of misery. Chasing dreams is fine, but don’t let them control you.

I reached my dreams and it controlled me from that point on. Afraid that I won’t reach the expected potential and results, I panicked and became anxious. That is not the way to go.

Step #2: Draw boundaries and lines

This might sound obvious but it has a lot of implications for many of us who find meaning in the things we do. I accepted that it’s ok to work and find meaning in everything we do but sometimes we don’t necessarily need to constantly find meaning.

Draw that boundary and line if it becomes excessive and all-consuming. Sometimes it’s fine not having meaning for the time being. Nothing is perfect.

Take that moment to just not think about anything. The more you try to find meaning, the more suffering you will endure in your mind.

That boundary and line are important for you to ignore that overwhelming sense of no meaning and rest your mind to come back and face it later on.

Step #3: Turn to religion/spirituality

This is not for everyone. But growing up as a freethinker. When shit hits the fan, it got tough. I coped by telling myself that I just need to buckle down and try harder.

It worked sometimes, but most times, it didn’t. I turned to religion and spirituality (the last thing that I expected) for contextualization of my life in the world.

It is working for me, as I am beginning to treat everything like a blessing. It changed my perspective on things and allowed me to find meaning in the smallest things.

Conclusion

If you are struggling with meaning in your life, so are many of us. It’s part of the process of living and I hope that the steps that I have outlined here would be of use to you in the future.